Mon Dec 28
As much as I have done these past five days, I also feel like I have done nothing. It is a strange feeling. Tonight I start the overnight shift. I am so not ready body wise. I have been on a schedule of waking up around 3-5am, and then falling asleep by 9pm…last night I went to sleep at 11pm to try to stay up as late as possible, only to wake up at 8:30am. What I am thinking of is trying to take a nap around 2pm, and then drinking coffee with my shake and heading to work.
That seems to be a new craving-coffee. I have no idea, I never liked coffee at all. I always despised the smell, the taste, but now I find myself craving it. I have been mixing it with the protein powder with a little bit of milk and indulging in a chocolately shake that is totally on plan, tasting delicious, and giving me that little extra boost of energy. Its very strange.
As far as the program. As of today 14.8 lbs. Just shy of 15 lbs. How exciting. Little things are starting to change. My elbows are getting clearer which is a start. I have the blackening of the skin problem which is tied to insulin resistance. It is supposed to be a precursor for diabetes which I don’t have, but after reading the book Carbohydrate Addicts, it is making me feel that my issue has been the way my body processes insulin. It can answer so many questions and so many problems that I have. But Master is starting to see a slight difference in my hips, and I am seeing a difference in my skin. Its only the beginning. My hope was to be at least 30lbs lighter by march, but at this rate-it may be even quicker-who knows…
This morning we also woke up to snow. I brought the snow to texas!!! For a place that has no snow, we got snow! I took some pictures. Part of me thinks it would have been nice to take a ride into the country to do so, but with the cold, I think Master just wants to snuggle up in the warmth of the house.
But I think I got a few good shots. Took some icicles shot, also took a beautiful picture of berries icing up in the snow. I was imagining taking pictures of the Stephenville sign, or of just the country side of the dusting of snow, or even how the cows react. It makes me wonder do ranchers just leave the cows and animals out in the snow, or do they huddle together. These are simple little questions that I always wondered…where do the animals go?
Last night we took a walk through walmart. I brought a little tiny book and pen and was writing a wish list. It’s a list that I know wont happen right away, but it’s a wish list that can probably be done a little at a time. I figured to write each thing on the board, and as each item is bought, a victory of how we are making our dreams come true. This can only be done through work, hard work, sales, and time. Aside from looking at all the things, it was also a form of exercise. Each time I work I average walking about 10-15 miles a day, and just strolling through the aisles we spent over an hour looking, I probably walked a bit. It’s a way to pass time, as well as do some exercise.
Our wish list. I look at all the items, probably would cost a few thousand if I really added it all up, but it’s the little things, the simple things….from something as grand as appliances to something as simple as a pair of slippers. How silly it may seem, but even to get a pair of slippers is a wish list. And all it goes back to as I asked Master this morning-What are we going to do about the rent?…. All he can say to me is “I am thinking on it”….that is not an answer. An answer would have been him getting out there going to the loan places and trying to get another loan. The answer would have been putting together pawnable merchandise and see what we can sell that could potentially add up to about $300 that we need for a month, the answer would have been lets go try to open a bank account and see which bank will allow him to get one. That would have been some sort of assurance…
But I look at our wish list. Materialistic things that I can laugh off and say that in actuality we don’t need any of this shit. We did without, why can’t we live more without it. I also take a look at our fridge. For me, I am good for 2 more days of food. Master can probably last another week with the carb loaded stuff, but he wouldn’t like it. I mean he could have noodles, mac n cheese, pancakes. I made him pancakes for dinner. Part of me was disgusted, because once again I am feeling I can’t provide for him the way I should be doing and he is reduced to eating pancakes that aren’t even tasty, it’s the dollar store crap kind that are doughy and not tasty at all. I buttered them up. I did that because I knew if he buttered them up he would have used the last of the butter. We are down to maybe 2 table spoons left of butter. It’s the little stuff.
I supposed to have sold the little sewing machine I had. Although I want a sewing machine, this particular one just didn’t work for me. I probably could have used it more, and created more designs, but I just couldn’t use it. Yet in my head one of the things I want is a sewing machine. Its not going to be a gift on my list for a while. But I sold this one for $8. That $8 will give me lunch snacks for the next 3 days or so. This way during my 15 min break I can have my celery sticks, or carrot sticks, or something to satisfy the hunger and weakness. I get a break every 2 hours, and every 2 hours I got to eat. Only problem is with all the snow outside, I doubt that the buyer is going to come and pick it up. It is like the town completely closes due to the snow. It snowed and everyone loses there mind.
Tuesday December 29th
Last night, if I even call it that, was the first time I was doing the 10pm-7am shift. The idea was to prepare my body over the 5 days for that type of schedule. I didn’t, however due to me getting my cycle-which I will say is rather odd, it is spotting, coming and going rather then actually flowing regularly. But I was not feeling well at all on Monday so I ended up sleeping almost the whole day away. I was concerned when I said I wanted to go back to bed at 10am that I would be up by 12…the next thing I know I am waking up at 5pm. It was so odd. I slept all day, which allowed me to be fully recharged over night. I worked the whole shift and felt as if it was a normal 4am or 6am shift.
I got home at around 7:30 in the morning, the only issue is I hurt my foot again. I don’t know how but I started limping, and by the time I got home it felt worst. I immediately took a hot bath. Soaked myself, I felt I needed it, part of it was to relax my body, the other reason was to clean myself. I know it is all in my head I took a shower last night before work, but I always feel so dirty. It reinforces when I wash my hands and the water turns black. Its from all the dust and dirt of the boxes.
So I am bathing, and when I get out I find myself staring at my body. I am losing weight. 15.8lbs so far…yep lost another pound last night, and I know what is going to happen, my skin is starting to sag, I am going to have that flappy skin. I have all these creams and lotions and I just am starting this crazy ritual. (yes notice everything is starting to be rituals)
My rituals include not only brushing my teeth, but also scraping my tongue. Although my candida and thrush problems have subsided, there is still a really bad coating. The lack of sugar in my diet has helped, but because there is cheese and nuts in my diet it is still feeding the thrush…so I really have to work on getting my body back in line.
I am starting to take a regimin of supplements- Probiotic for the yeast problems and digestion, Hair and nail strengthener, and raspberry ketones for aiding with the atkins. Next thing I need to get when I get a little extra money is a multi vitamin along with extra vitamin D…
I am drinking my protein shake regularly. It gives me a boost, although I am doing a coffee addadtive to it, stupid cravings that I am desiring coffee so much.
I have been doing my nails either every other night, or every night to keep them shapely, sculpted and polished.
And I am trying to work on diary, work on arts and crafts as well as keep the house in order. It is as if naturally these rituals are starting to come into play in my life and it is making me feel better overall.
The next thing I really want to try to get into is doing yoga or exercise. I have a bunch of dvd’s dedicated to exercise that I can do. Master wants me to do it as well. I just have to get off my ass and work.
So for now, I should be tired, I am really not. I figure that I need to get to bed no later then 2pm. If I go to bed earlier that is fine, as long as I am up by say 8:30pm this way I can have dinner, shower and get my ass in gear for overnight. Its very strange working that type of shift, but hopefully my body will be accustomed to it…
My plans are to go to the library, pick up 6 movies, 3 for me, 3 for Master (that is the most we can take out at once). I may grab a few more photography books because I really enjoyed the books I was reading, and maybe a crafty book too. I just find that things are so different now. I am actually “doing” things. I was excited to say that to Master, he sort of shot me down because he mentioned that I frequently start things and never finish it….i know that..but the point is, I am actually doing things I have never done before. I am actually keeping up with things. Right now photography is my passion. And it is a fun one too. I have some really good shots that are starting to come along, and it is exciting to see the artistry with it. My plan is to buy a few frames and matt them or hang them up, I also want to give some to my friends/family as a gift…just something. Who knows…
These are just little things that I can finally say that I am living! I almost feel like I haven’t been living for a while. And although right now things are slightly static, we ar emaking the best of things and I do have to say…I am so grateful we are living here. Its just the distance with the family that is hard.