I must admit, I am sick of being sick. The cough has been persistant for the last week. I called out sick last thurs, and on tues I went home throwing up. The other days, I persevered and went to work, and worked my ass off. Climbing, lifting, bending, walking. I think I have finally broke my fear of ladders. It seems I am now climbing 12 and 16 ft ladders on the top of the steel frames, lifting heavy boxes, and overall working out.
As of right now I lost 23 lbs. Sticking to my diet, staying away from the sweets, snacks, carbs, and really trying hard. It is going to be a long journey, and there are still things I need to adjust on, but it is a good start.
I must admit, I am loss for words what to write. Things have been so busy for me, getting used to my schedule. Taking care of the house, doing my auctions, and then I get to enjoy watching tv. Its nice to have internet and tv back. I caught up on a few of the shows I have been missing. Finished off the voice, once upon a time, and now watching American idol.
Wow, I am really loss for words, so just going to leave this entry at this..lol….

Day 3 being sick. I hate when I am sick. I have been vegging, resting, watching movies, just staying in place on the couch. Master seems to be upset that I am not “sleeping” once again its that feeling of being a zombie, mind is racing, body cant move, and just cant function properly. He says it is because I am watching TV, and staying on the computer so much that I am not getting better. I don’t understand. I am just sitting here doing nothing. I slept a full night, in fact, I went to bed around 6pm, and it is now 7am the next morning. Aside from me getting up numerous times to go to the bathroom. Its like my bladder can’t hold anything, I have been sleeping all night. That is a good thing.
This morning, I am caught between being hungry, or about to vomit. Strange. I think I am going to prepare a little left over soup just to have something to sooth my chest. The only thing I could think of is the freezer work that I did the other day, because whatever the hell this is skipped everything and went straight down deep into my chest. Odd thing is, instead of upper, I am wondering if it is lower because I am feeling this very odd gurling in my lower left rib. Its like at some points when I breath, it’s a little tough on my left side. Yesterday at least it was heavily in my nose, ears and throat. I have been using a hitachi where I am getting almost an orgasmic response just from massaging my swollen nodes in my neck. It’s is such a mixture of pain, ecstacy, relaxation, wonderful sensation. I am going to work tomorrow..i have to especially since I don’t have a dr note to excuse an absence, but I probably need 2 more days or something the way I feel. I hate being sick.
Master has been painting the kitchen. It looks beautiful it is coming out in a nice lilac lavender purple with a white top and trim. Its very feminie and brightens up the kitchen. I actually really like it, but a part of me deep down inside is thinking…omg he is doing this for me. I don’t know if he likes it or not, he wanted mountain dew green. The thought of that is almost sickening, but he just went out to got the paint while I was sleeping and started to paint. Its giving him a sense of purpose and something to do which is good. But the expense of it is that he has been very grouchy and annoyed. He tells me I am not listening to him. He frequently says that. Its like he just dismisses me completely and say I am not listening to him at all. Yet when I am there to listen to talk, he doesn’t wnt to talk. Which makes me think is it because I don’t listen to him? I don’t know. I am just in such a fragile state being sick right now, and the fact that he is so angry and moody right now is making me feel 100% worst then I am actually feeling.
I mean he was angry that I even suggested rice. The fact is if I look at my diet I haven’t been eating at all. These past two days my appetite is null and I just need something of substance in my body. Having some carbs isn’t going to blow away the progress that I made. Which I should add is now 20lbs. I wanted some soup and rice. My idea was to just run in, pick it up and take it home. I had no idea that he wanted to actually have dinner sit down and enjoy it. I was staring at the food, I couldn’t eat it all. And he was even annoyed, I don’t know why, he ordered the same thing that I did, which is strange because usually his meal of choice is sezuchan beef. I ate what I could, and then just had the girl wrap up the whole thing. It was as if I didn’t even touch the meal at all. I came home and literally passed out right to bed.
I don’t know what time Master came in finally but I know it was late. But now I am up. I can’t sleep and my mind is racing again.
The people with the floor is supposed to come. They are only about 2 weeks to late or so. Which is fine, we knew it would be after the holidays. They are putting a new floor in the bathroom. It should be an entire new floor, but they are only doing spot pieces. They got to rip up the boards, rip up the tiles, and remove the mold. It is actually kind of scary, but they are fixing it. Which is a good thing. So with Master painting, and they are going to be working on the bathroom, I have a feeling today is not going to be a day of rest and relaxation like I wanted it to be. But either way I have to prepare myself for going to work tomorrow morning at 4am.

Sun 1/3/16
I swear the days are becoming so confusing to me. I don’t know what day it is any more particularly since I am waking up one day, working that day, working another day, and then sleeping and waking up the same day, and just not getting it. ¬¬¬¬¬ It is total confusion. Today I am freezing. Spent all day in the dairy cooler and tomorrow unfortunately going to be spending all day in the freezer cooler. It is so cold. I had to go and buy some gloves and tomorrow going to be bundling up. I don’t care if they laugh at me, gloves, hat, scarf, the whole nine yards.
I am making myself some green bean casserole since I just want some soup. Made some hot dogs, and munching away for lunch/dinner whatever the hell you want to call this. It is getting to the point where I have to be in bed by 6pm or so just to get up. Part of me feels as though I sleep all day, but in actuality it really isn’t. I am just not used to this shift of time.
Master is resting when I got home. I am letting him sleep because there is not much to do right now and I am probably not the best of company. There is a chill to the bone and I am just exhausted. I really don’t want to be bothered with anything right now and I am just waiting for my casserole to be finished. I may even eat it earlier just to warm it up. I am so cold I just need something.
In about 15 min one of my listia auctions that I am really trying to bid on is going to end. I have a feeling I am going to lose this one at the last min. I have been the top bidder for the past 3 days. It is a collection of craft cord perfect for making more dream catchers. Either that or looking to do something crafty or decorative with it. That is my new thing, I make little crafts. I can probably resell on listia, or maybe etsy or something, but for the time being it is getting me intuned to my creative side that may have been neglected artistically for a while.
Well that sucks. 3 seconds left on the time, and I was outbid by 7 points. What a shame. I really wanted that auction too. Oh well, that is why I need to save up and hoard my points. This way when something comes up that I am excited about. (still banking on the kindle)…anyway how it works is basically you give things away for free. You do have to pay for shipping, or you can have your buyer pay for shipping, but you don’t get as many credits or buyers if you have them pay. I have been doing baseball cards one at a time which only cost 49 cents standard mail to mail out. The points I get from those sales I can save up and purchase nicer things. Then of course there are the suprising sales for example there is a complete bidding war on a book I am selling. Still have 1 more day left and already there are multiple bids fighting for it. So that is a good sign. Listia is the type of auction where the bulk of the bidding happens the last few mins, so if you don’t have a high enough bid, then you are out of luck. Similar to what happen to me with 3 seconds left. Out bid-darn.
Aside from that, I can’t wait till wed when we finally get internet and cable service, which means I will be able to do online shit faster, and plentiful without having to use up my phone constantly. For now, I am going to get the few auctions that were won together to mail out, and then I am probably heading off to bed. I am exhausted but I want to wait another 3 hours or so or else I may be up all night. Can’t have that….

Sat 1/2/16
Its 2016, new year new beginning. Every year I say to myself that the next year is going to be better. And every year by the end of the year I have been saying how shitty a year has come. But truthfully, I am really optimistic about this year. With the move there is so much that could potentially go positive this year. Although these past two months were tough, and finances shitty, now with me cashing out my 401k, with a steady income coming from both Master and myself, and now with the addition of adding listia and selling back to my hobbies, things I believe will turn out for the better.
The apartment is slowly coming along. Today we bought spackling for him to start covering up the holes. We still have a major decision on what colors to paint. As of right now the entire house Is painted this pale eggshell ivory color that makes everything look very dull and brownish. Because it has an old appearance to it, we are looking for different color schemes to brighten up the place.
I have gone back to listia auctions. I am actually very happy doing it. I am adding little stuff around the house, mostly baseball cards. Just adding them one at a time, gathering up some points and I just mail them with a regular stamp. My plan is to save up points to get the kindle I always wanted, or get little things. There are xbox games that I could get, I always look for a brand new razor set for Master, been wanting to get him an electric beard trimmer for a while, but haven’t got a chance to. Its little things I think we both can use to make us smile. That was how I was able to get all the cool stuff a few years back when I was out of work. I earned so much doing listia auctions that I bought him some cool xbox paraphernalia. He was happy.
The new year was kind of scary. Master kept threatening to beat me. I hate when he does it. Its for two reasons. I really don’t want to be beaten so the idea scares me, and the downside is because it is a threat that is not backed up, it makes me disbelieve his threats. Its hard to say, its like a deep part of me wants him to follow through on his threats, and the other part doesn’t.
Instead he had me strip down and told me to get outside. Its just after midnight, the temperature had to be in the 30’s or something and here I was naked on the front porch. Part of me was scared someone would see. He had me kneel down on the cold concrete. I was shaking, and it was the first ritual of the year. To enter his home as a slave. To agree to be his slave, and to leave my attitude and my stubbornness outside. This is his house, his rules, and I am his property.
I crawled in, and he slapped a collar around my neck. I don’t know why I hate that collar so much. There are times it starts to feel very tight on me. Its not tight because I can put my fingers, but because of such a short neck, anything that goes around my neck scrapes up against the top portion and lower portion and just makes it overall not comfortable. He asked about the turian style collars. There is a part of me that hates that as well. I guess somewhere in my mind the physical appeal to a collar turned into a panicing disgust instead. I don’t know why. I was someone who wore all kinds of collars for years, sleeping, bathing, going out, and now the idea of them is repulsive, but it is the symbolism that means so much. I am collared to Master, I just don’t wear a physical one.
I get a triggering memory that happens every now and then. Something so insignificant, but it is a memory that hurts me so much. It is the day I went out to the local grocery store with a fellow slave on the chain. I was in a poly situation, and bonding with the girls I guess you can say. And this girl flat out told me how she is embarrassed to be with me because I was wearing a dog collar chain. To make matters worst, I go into the store, and someone made fun of me barking like a dog. I was so happy wearing it, yet that memory floods in my head as to how humiliating it is….Whatever thinking about it now is getting me upset, when I should be thriving on the good things going on.
Mom came through and helped us out with food. Badly needed food-Food out of desperation. She gave us $100 to go to food. She couldn’t help witht the rent, but that $100 she gave us was a life saver. I was able to buy food, meat, and dietary stuff to stay on track. I have been doing amazing on the program, and I have set aside thurs to be my official video record day. I take pictures, and do a quick video of me turning around. I want to see by chance if there is a visual difference as the weeks go by. I know eventually there will be, but I want to see the changes for myself.
Thanks to her I was able to get vegetables, meat, salad, and odds and ends for the house. Master is happy since he was able to get bread and sandwhich meats for his lunch.
I am now becoming addicted to ice coffee. I don’t know why, but every day I am having coffee. This has never happened to me before. Its kind of odd because I can feel the slight woozieness of the caffeine. Sort of a

Mon Dec 28
As much as I have done these past five days, I also feel like I have done nothing. It is a strange feeling. Tonight I start the overnight shift. I am so not ready body wise. I have been on a schedule of waking up around 3-5am, and then falling asleep by 9pm…last night I went to sleep at 11pm to try to stay up as late as possible, only to wake up at 8:30am. What I am thinking of is trying to take a nap around 2pm, and then drinking coffee with my shake and heading to work.
That seems to be a new craving-coffee. I have no idea, I never liked coffee at all. I always despised the smell, the taste, but now I find myself craving it. I have been mixing it with the protein powder with a little bit of milk and indulging in a chocolately shake that is totally on plan, tasting delicious, and giving me that little extra boost of energy. Its very strange.
As far as the program. As of today 14.8 lbs. Just shy of 15 lbs. How exciting. Little things are starting to change. My elbows are getting clearer which is a start. I have the blackening of the skin problem which is tied to insulin resistance. It is supposed to be a precursor for diabetes which I don’t have, but after reading the book Carbohydrate Addicts, it is making me feel that my issue has been the way my body processes insulin. It can answer so many questions and so many problems that I have. But Master is starting to see a slight difference in my hips, and I am seeing a difference in my skin. Its only the beginning. My hope was to be at least 30lbs lighter by march, but at this rate-it may be even quicker-who knows…
This morning we also woke up to snow. I brought the snow to texas!!! For a place that has no snow, we got snow! I took some pictures. Part of me thinks it would have been nice to take a ride into the country to do so, but with the cold, I think Master just wants to snuggle up in the warmth of the house.
But I think I got a few good shots. Took some icicles shot, also took a beautiful picture of berries icing up in the snow. I was imagining taking pictures of the Stephenville sign, or of just the country side of the dusting of snow, or even how the cows react. It makes me wonder do ranchers just leave the cows and animals out in the snow, or do they huddle together. These are simple little questions that I always wondered…where do the animals go?
Last night we took a walk through walmart. I brought a little tiny book and pen and was writing a wish list. It’s a list that I know wont happen right away, but it’s a wish list that can probably be done a little at a time. I figured to write each thing on the board, and as each item is bought, a victory of how we are making our dreams come true. This can only be done through work, hard work, sales, and time. Aside from looking at all the things, it was also a form of exercise. Each time I work I average walking about 10-15 miles a day, and just strolling through the aisles we spent over an hour looking, I probably walked a bit. It’s a way to pass time, as well as do some exercise.
Our wish list. I look at all the items, probably would cost a few thousand if I really added it all up, but it’s the little things, the simple things….from something as grand as appliances to something as simple as a pair of slippers. How silly it may seem, but even to get a pair of slippers is a wish list. And all it goes back to as I asked Master this morning-What are we going to do about the rent?…. All he can say to me is “I am thinking on it”….that is not an answer. An answer would have been him getting out there going to the loan places and trying to get another loan. The answer would have been putting together pawnable merchandise and see what we can sell that could potentially add up to about $300 that we need for a month, the answer would have been lets go try to open a bank account and see which bank will allow him to get one. That would have been some sort of assurance…
But I look at our wish list. Materialistic things that I can laugh off and say that in actuality we don’t need any of this shit. We did without, why can’t we live more without it. I also take a look at our fridge. For me, I am good for 2 more days of food. Master can probably last another week with the carb loaded stuff, but he wouldn’t like it. I mean he could have noodles, mac n cheese, pancakes. I made him pancakes for dinner. Part of me was disgusted, because once again I am feeling I can’t provide for him the way I should be doing and he is reduced to eating pancakes that aren’t even tasty, it’s the dollar store crap kind that are doughy and not tasty at all. I buttered them up. I did that because I knew if he buttered them up he would have used the last of the butter. We are down to maybe 2 table spoons left of butter. It’s the little stuff.
I supposed to have sold the little sewing machine I had. Although I want a sewing machine, this particular one just didn’t work for me. I probably could have used it more, and created more designs, but I just couldn’t use it. Yet in my head one of the things I want is a sewing machine. Its not going to be a gift on my list for a while. But I sold this one for $8. That $8 will give me lunch snacks for the next 3 days or so. This way during my 15 min break I can have my celery sticks, or carrot sticks, or something to satisfy the hunger and weakness. I get a break every 2 hours, and every 2 hours I got to eat. Only problem is with all the snow outside, I doubt that the buyer is going to come and pick it up. It is like the town completely closes due to the snow. It snowed and everyone loses there mind.
Tuesday December 29th
Last night, if I even call it that, was the first time I was doing the 10pm-7am shift. The idea was to prepare my body over the 5 days for that type of schedule. I didn’t, however due to me getting my cycle-which I will say is rather odd, it is spotting, coming and going rather then actually flowing regularly. But I was not feeling well at all on Monday so I ended up sleeping almost the whole day away. I was concerned when I said I wanted to go back to bed at 10am that I would be up by 12…the next thing I know I am waking up at 5pm. It was so odd. I slept all day, which allowed me to be fully recharged over night. I worked the whole shift and felt as if it was a normal 4am or 6am shift.
I got home at around 7:30 in the morning, the only issue is I hurt my foot again. I don’t know how but I started limping, and by the time I got home it felt worst. I immediately took a hot bath. Soaked myself, I felt I needed it, part of it was to relax my body, the other reason was to clean myself. I know it is all in my head I took a shower last night before work, but I always feel so dirty. It reinforces when I wash my hands and the water turns black. Its from all the dust and dirt of the boxes.
So I am bathing, and when I get out I find myself staring at my body. I am losing weight. 15.8lbs so far…yep lost another pound last night, and I know what is going to happen, my skin is starting to sag, I am going to have that flappy skin. I have all these creams and lotions and I just am starting this crazy ritual. (yes notice everything is starting to be rituals)
My rituals include not only brushing my teeth, but also scraping my tongue. Although my candida and thrush problems have subsided, there is still a really bad coating. The lack of sugar in my diet has helped, but because there is cheese and nuts in my diet it is still feeding the thrush…so I really have to work on getting my body back in line.
I am starting to take a regimin of supplements- Probiotic for the yeast problems and digestion, Hair and nail strengthener, and raspberry ketones for aiding with the atkins. Next thing I need to get when I get a little extra money is a multi vitamin along with extra vitamin D…
I am drinking my protein shake regularly. It gives me a boost, although I am doing a coffee addadtive to it, stupid cravings that I am desiring coffee so much.
I have been doing my nails either every other night, or every night to keep them shapely, sculpted and polished.
And I am trying to work on diary, work on arts and crafts as well as keep the house in order. It is as if naturally these rituals are starting to come into play in my life and it is making me feel better overall.
The next thing I really want to try to get into is doing yoga or exercise. I have a bunch of dvd’s dedicated to exercise that I can do. Master wants me to do it as well. I just have to get off my ass and work.

So for now, I should be tired, I am really not. I figure that I need to get to bed no later then 2pm. If I go to bed earlier that is fine, as long as I am up by say 8:30pm this way I can have dinner, shower and get my ass in gear for overnight. Its very strange working that type of shift, but hopefully my body will be accustomed to it…
My plans are to go to the library, pick up 6 movies, 3 for me, 3 for Master (that is the most we can take out at once). I may grab a few more photography books because I really enjoyed the books I was reading, and maybe a crafty book too. I just find that things are so different now. I am actually “doing” things. I was excited to say that to Master, he sort of shot me down because he mentioned that I frequently start things and never finish it….i know that..but the point is, I am actually doing things I have never done before. I am actually keeping up with things. Right now photography is my passion. And it is a fun one too. I have some really good shots that are starting to come along, and it is exciting to see the artistry with it. My plan is to buy a few frames and matt them or hang them up, I also want to give some to my friends/family as a gift…just something. Who knows…
These are just little things that I can finally say that I am living! I almost feel like I haven’t been living for a while. And although right now things are slightly static, we ar emaking the best of things and I do have to say…I am so grateful we are living here. Its just the distance with the family that is hard.

Sat 12/26
Its almost noon time, and I swear it feels like it is about 5pm or so. My body clock is changing as I am adjusting to the overnight type hours. I have been averaging waking up at 3am like clock work. I usually go back to sleep, but I woke up at around 6am this morning and have been working ever since. I officially finished for now and said enough.
Its odd, I have a total of 5 days off. Its not even a vacation, it was just an odd schedule perk being that the store was closed for Christmas.
Christmas was a mixture of being wonderful and being so sad. Its hard to explain. It’s the first real Christmas I didn’t spend with the family. But it was the first Christmas in our new home.
Because mom gave me a gift card to walmart for $40 for Christmas, I was able to purchase a turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce. That was our Christmas dinner. Actually that will be our dinner probably for the next 4 days or so which is totally cool, I am allowed to have turkey.
I have been doing atkins low carb once again. So far I have been on the program for two weeks and already I lost 13 lbs. Great start. The withdrawals have been bad, but I am now getting used to it. Plus with work giving me a break every 2 hours, it has been helping the need to nosh and eat. I think that has been helping the situation. The last time I did the program I lost 65lbs..the idea of losing that much weight almost seems like an impossibility, but it can happen. I just have to take it one day at a time.
For the first time I also started a video journal. Once a week I am taking a quick video of my body, maybe some day I can put it together and be one of those inspirational videos that send fat people to tears as they see someone transform before their eyes. At least maybe it could be proof in my mind because as fat as I am, I have this odd dismorphia that I don’t see myself as fat, until I see photographs of myself and say holy shit how can I be that fat. It sends me in this odd downward esteem spiral that I wonder how can anyone like me. I think this is me finally taking charge of myself.
I am starting to get into a routine of things. It is going to take time like I said, but every day I do some work unpacking, do some art work in my room, constantly cleaning the kitchen area, and now I am going to attempt to write once again. Hopefully getting into these rituals will help me keep not only the house organize, but also my life as well.
So lets talk a little bit about Christmas. For starters, we sent out an invite for anyone to come for dinner. As I guessed no one answered. While a part of me just wanted someone-anyone to share it, the other part of me says figures. The kink community out here is almost non existant, and plus, getting to know people and making friends starting a new is not easy at all. Its adding to my insecurities. I think the root is a lot of things is making my insecurities flare up. The move, the lack of funds, the job, not having family, friends, just feeling loss.
So for Christmas I made a wonderful turkey dinner. It was delicious. Cranberry sauce, and Master even allowed me to cheat for a bit having some cornbread stuffing. Yummy! I set up the table, and master and I shared a meal together. We had the tree lit up, but I have to admit there was nothing underneath. No presents. Master says to me this house is the present…I know it is, but it would have been nice to open something up. What depressed me a little bit was looking at all the people posting pictures of trees filled with presents, and then of course its everyone saying how happy they are, and what they got, and what santa got for them. And here I am worrying about how to even get food on the table. We are completely broke. This move took everything. I get paid on Friday, which is going completely to the rent, and we are going to be short, and Masters check is ear marked because of a stupid fucking promise I made to my mom. His entire check is going to mom so she can just gamble it away at foxwoods. She is on vacation in two weeks and the deal was for us to get a loan using her name, we had to take an additional 1000 out for her. Problem is, where we would have had enough to give it to her, we ended up getting into some financial issues especially since the movers ended up screwing us by upping the amount and not taking all the goods. So now I only have half my stuff here the rest is still at moms house…and now we are broke. Master says in feb we will be fine. Truthfully we will be. Because I am finally working, we can even start saving up some funds, and by then we can get the internet hooked up.
That has been the tough part is getting everything hooked up. Down here although things are cheaper, due to our credit it all requires a down payment. It wiped us out financially completely. Yet all I can think of is all the people we owe money too, all the bills that need to be paid, all the collections and notices. And most of all I think about another month of suffering. Not having money, not having internet, not having tv.
Sun 12/27/15
Every day I have been calling my mother. Originally it was only supposed to be 2x a week, but I find myself picking up the phone every day. Maybe it is because of the holiday, maybe it is the boredom, maybe it is just me. I don’t know.
Right now I am going a bit stir crazy. I keep switching doing things, and I am bored. I really wanted to go out today but there seems to be a monsoon out there. Heavy rain, it was fucking hailing this morning. The only time I ever seen hail was during a tornado, and the damn tornado alarm keeps going off. Yes a twister touched down in Dallas causing massive distruction, that is about 4 hours north from where we are, but still its crazy.
I wanted to go out today, but instead I am finding myself cooped up inside. I unpacked 3 more boxes. It is actually getting to the point that without another book case or shelving that I am looking for, without painting, its very hard to unpack this stuff..and especially without internet. I could be selling this shit-at least I hope I can to make a few extra dollars. But I feel like I am at a lull right now. That we are at a static point, and I am afraid it will be like this for another month.
I made another one of my newspaper baskets and started 2 more designs. I don’t know what the fuck I am doing, in my crazy head maybe I could either get some points on listia, or sell them on etsy…whatever the deal I am back on listia. Thank god! Going to hoard the points and exchange them for something really good. I was looking at kindles, xbox ones, and possibly a nother camera. Its all a matter of getting rid of some stuff and having patience.
I am still kicking ass with my points as well. I log in every day, collect some boxes and it looks like I am average every 12 days I will get a gift card to walmart. That will come in handy. Aside from that I also get entries into contests and stuff like that. So far haven’t won anything, but there is always a chance. It seems that because I am leveling up on the game the points are getting easier to obtain. So maybe every 12 days I can consistently get a free lunch or something from walmart. Always a good thing
Its these little things I am trying to do to past the time. Oddly this is stuff I never did before which makes me wonder how the hell did I spend my time in the past. I mean I know I was heavily into auctions for a full year, but when the auctions died, what was I doing? I will say I can’t even answer that. Has my life truly been consumed by work my whole life that I never even knew how to entertain myself or have a hobby?
Master seems to be in a really odd mood today. He is sleeping now. He has been sleeping most of the day. I could only sleep about 2 hours then I got up. I am the one that is supposed to be training my body to get up at 10 pm to work overnight, but it seems my body is on a 3am fix.
He was working on the dungeon. The beam is up, the room is coming along. Of course we have to do a lot of painting, but we can play. I had to stop and think to myself I have all this bondage equipment, yet I must say I am personally not into impact play. For years I was a punching bag for the scene, and I realize I don’t want it any more. The downside is my passion is bondage, yet when it comes to suspension as of right now my body is not strong enough to even hold my own body. No matter how comfortable the bondage is, the pressure of the ropes pressing into my body due to my weight is too great. There are certain areas that are very sensitive like my chest, and having any sort of pressure against it I just can’t breathe. Its ashame and it is giving me even more incentive to lose weight.
I have gained so much weight it is disgusting. And now I have to obsess about it in order to lose weight. All those programs weight watches, jenny craig, atkins, any program you sign up for, the key to making it work is becoming ocd about the diet. I don’t care what anyone says, you literally have to become so engrossed in the program in order for it to work. It’s a constant schitzophrenic discussion fighting with yourself, fighting with your body, and making the necessary changes in order to succeed. As of right now Iost 13lbs…that may seem great, but considering I am still fatter then I have ever been, it really is a concern. My blood pressure is through the roof and my body is collapsing on itself which makes right now even more important to lose it.
I think of myself when I climb the ladders at work, or carrying heavy boxes and I look at all the bruises on my body-Oh god if someone saw all these bruises you would think I am being beaten by Master. He hasn’t even put a hand on me yet I have bruises from the excessive work I have been doing at work, at home, unpacking. I think I am supposed to be relaxing and taking it easy, but Master says that I worry about things I should not be worrying about.
I am worrying about paying the rent. We don’t have it. My check is not going to be enough. I don’t want to start out being late the very first month. I worry about tornadoes. Yes it is an irrational fear, I have breen through 3 tornados in NY and ny rarely gets any of them….I am worry about my diet.
I am feeling so insecure about myself. I am feeling so down and I can say that I am scared. I cant figure out what the hell I am scared about…i guess it is just vunerability. Master says it is because I am cycling. That is another strange thing. My cycle literally lasted about 2 hours. Just a spot now gone. Maybe it is just spotting before it comes or maybe he did impregnate me, or maybe it is the stress of once again skipping a month. That’s nothing new. I have skipped many months in the past. Its my body rebelling against me.
Now I have to go make myself dinner. I realized I went to long without food. IT seems I have to eat every 2-3 hours or so. If I don’t I crash instantly. Its still getting used to the lack of sugar. The withdrawals…but in time, I will slim down. I have no choice but to.

12/12/15
I don’t know why. I am actually alone on the couch right now, in a sort of daze, Master is already in bed, and I am feeling like I am on the verge of either crying, fighting, sleeping, or just sulking. I can’t decide. Boredom is hitting me hard, and I am taking way too much on myself to try to ease myself.
Master keeps telling me to slow down, take it easy. I am ripping through box after box, sorting, packing, cleaning. I have done 3 loads of laundry already, unpacked about 15 boxes, started new job, recleaned all the dishes, glasses and kitchen goods, cooked multiple meals, all the while doing low carb, going through intense withdrawals and feeling weak and shakey.
Maybe that is what I am feeling now. Withdrawals. I just had a huge ass salad for dinner. It was yummy, but all I keep craving is sugar. I get this urge to have sweets. I can’t seem to satisfy that desire. Aside from that I am constantly thirsty. I have been drinking more ice tea and water then I could ever imagine and still I am thirsty. That is a good thing it is flushing everything out of my system. I can feel my body starting to slim down, yet I have no scale to see what my progress is. All I know is that the way I feel, it must be working, the punishment for myself is these bad low times.
Tonight part of me wants Master to comfort and hold me, but at the same time I just don’t want it to be sexual. He was caressing me and kissing me on the couch and I was feeling very very claustrophobic. It wasn’t him, it was totally me. I tried to ease myself. Put minions on, and sitting next to him on the couch, and even watching minions..I had to get up and leave.
I went to my office. Master actually allowed me to have a room to do stuff, my desk is there, my books are there, its like my own little corner. I was tempted to do some yoga and meditation instead I just randomly started doing a craft. I didn’t finish it, I am about 25% done right now and that is after working on it for about an hour or so. At least that is what it seems to me, maybe I was only doing it for a short time who knows…I plan on finishing it at another time, but I was making a cute little mirror. At the tree lightening event there was a vendor who actually made vintage mirrors simply out of using a knife, a mirrored candle holder and beads and decorations. All the materials I actually had buried in the boxes as I was emptying them, so I thought why not..let me try something…
Master was encouraging me to keep working on it. But then he complained that the light was too bright. I just shut the light off, walked away and came in here. I am probably going to fall asleep on here and he will get mad or upset that I am not sleeping with him. I just don’t know I am feeling very claustrophobic.
The withdrawals are getting to me and it feels like I can’t breathe. I calmly try to get past the jitteriness, and focus on everything but the cravings. Which is why going to slepe now is probably so important. If I sleep my body relaxes and recoops. If I am sleeping then I am not focusing on food. If I am sleeping then I don’t have to cry. Sleep….
For now, I am going to nap, because my eyes are closing. Hopefully tomorrow I wont have the same issues
12/13/15
Very uneasy night last night. Town alarms kept going off. I believe it was the tornado warning signs. I was googling and there were 3 tornados that hit in texas, but I also read that there has been issues with one of the towns alarms since it was struck by lightening. The storm was very bad. I was concerned that the garage would be flooded and our stuff wet. I didn’t check this morning, but during the night it seemed fine.
This morning I am very achy, very tired, very weak. The withdrawals are hitting me very bad. I barely had energy to get up and feed the cat, which means I need to wake up and have some food. (well let me at least start with a protein shake-brb)
So for breakfast I made Master pancakes, and for myself had 2 eggs, cottage cheese and a protein shake. I can feel the withdrawals, it is really bad. It is making me distant, weak and moody. I basically slept on the couch last night because I couldn’t sleep at all. Between the storm which Master slept through, the damn tornado alarms…I mean I am lucky we didn’t have any problems…but it could have been bad.
I went into my office, and finished that mirror piece that I started. From an artistic point of view-pathetic, from the point of view that I have never done any real crafts before and I am not creative, it’s a damn good job. I started making the dream catcher, but for some reason I can’t get the second layer in. I already covered the loop, and started the inside weave. I am taking a break from that as well.
I am so exhausted, and there is so much to do. Master is telling me to relax. I guess he sees I have been pushing myself. I don’t know why, it probably is mood swings, I am just feeling so down. I am worried about the bills, worried about the rent, all these little expenses that popped up. And we didn’t prepare for it. Not good.
My cat is adorable. He has been following me everywhere. I think he is really happy and content. He jumps up into my lap, he snuggles against me at night, and he follows me to the bathroom. That seems to be the new thing with him. He watches me go to the bathroom.
Master just called me to get him a few things, and he took one look at me and said that I don’t look good. He is suggesting I take a nap. Maybe that is what I need. Considering I was up all night in a panic fear, maybe a nap is just what I need. Plus, I do have to start getting my body used to an over night shift.