Its just past 4am in the morning. I should be fucking sleeping, instead I am freaking out about bull shit. And have to ask myself why am I angry.

I made a promise to myself that every day i am going to do something to live. Something to enjoy life, something that will make me smile. Why do i feel the very thing that made me smile yesterday is also the very thing that angered me.

I don’t know what happened, Last night Master just went nuts in the bar. I found myself having to appologize for his behavior, brush off his insensitivity to me, and then completely baffled right now to the point that i am up at 4am in the morning when i should be sleeping. The worst part is, Master gets to relax today should he choose to where as i have to get up and work.

Its difficult, I am proud of him that he works and he is making money, its badly needed, but what ends up happening is 1-the money gets blown 2-he only works maybe 2-3 days a week and acts like he is working over 100 hours a week, 3-the attitude that he has sometimes is unbearable, and i don’t know is it because the stress is on him, the stress is on me, or what not

When he wakes up, I am going to have to ask him HOW much the fuck did he pay the bar tab, because you know something i think he fucked up. and to make matters worst, because we were trying to fix it, he instead orders me out of the restaurant. He starts freaking out about my aunts boyfriend, and worst yet, he goes into this frenzy where all he wants to do is beat me. He tells me it is because of my mouth. And is just angers me even more.

Worst part is, I am still in pain. My neck and ear is in agony. NO i am not taking any medicine or pills for it or else i can’t go to the dr on Fri, and will have to wait another 2 weeks before i can go. or at least wait another 2 weeks until after all the medcine is out of my system. I want to know what is making me so shitty. So yes, I am toughing it out.

So now I am in pain, and all i am getting is him wanting to squeez my nipples, spank my ass, and beat me where all i want him to do is just not touch me right now. instead of squeezing my nipples how about massaging my back, neck or foot, that i have been promised endless times but instead have to rub him when he is in pain. Last night i just fell asleep using the vibrator on my own head for the pain. Maybe it was a migrain developing who knows, but i was so hot, so uncomfortable, couldn’t find a spot to sleep in, and now that it is coming up to 5am in the morning, I still can’t fucking find a comfortable spot.

Quick Math- 3 meals $45, 2 desserts $12- $57 plus tax & gratuity- should be $70 Now i got to ask Master how much did he really pay, because it is bothering the fuck out of me right now

anyway-so i ended up taking the floor where he took the bed. I was not comfortable in the bed. I can’t sleep with a big rod down my back every night. I can’t sleep on the floor with him because there is not enough room. I can’t fucking sleep in the comfort of any bed any more. Because of the cat and the damn door i can’t even open the door for fresh air.
Master had bad gas up the wazzoo last night in which the room smelt like a mustard gas explosion. Sure i could say i had gas too, but it was the raunchiness of whatever the fuck was coming out of his ass that was making me sick.

I am getting to the point where i am going crazy living here. The selfish part i guess on me is the fact that my mom has room. Ther eis more then enough room for Martin and myself to live comfortably here, but it is all fucking taking. There is are 2 entire bedrooms that are not being used. The first one is my grandma’s which is now more of a mortuary show piece then anything else. The potential that not only can i sleep in a bed, but Martin can sleep in a bed too, can rest on having us open up that room, but no….

Worst part is…My aunt and her boyfriend, although pay meisly rent. Rent they pay my mom is a fucking joke where if they only knew how much rent actually cost in NY- anyway, they have 2 bedrooms in the basement. 2 fucking bedrooms, in fact one of the bedrooms is bigger then 2x the size of the room i am in now, and the other is about equivelent to 2 rooms together. Yet the one room literally is a closet. I am not joking. It is a storage room for my aunts teeshirts and everything she refuses to get rid of.
Then there is a living room that i am not even allowed to go in, with couches and everything that i can’t even use to sleep on, and there is an indoor porch in which the couch in there although not able to sleep is being used as a coat rack, and the room that can potentially be used to put a nice couch to possibly sleep in is being used either for a dead plant sanctuary or a drying wrack for nail polish art-Don’t ask. my aunt insists on painting everything with nail polish instead of paint.

I really can’t say what i am angry at right now. Am i angry at Master blowing a fuse every moment where i have to appologize for his behavior. He literally kicked me out of the bar. I had to tell my family that i will be in the car. Am i angry at the fact that I can’t even have a decent place to sleep anymore. Am i angry with the fact hat medically i am still in pain, and the swelling of my ears is fucking with my head. Am i angry that Master just keeps touching me at times when i don’t want to be touched.

Fuck I can’t even cry and rationalize properly. He is snoring away where i would love to go back to sleep but his snoring is keeping me up right now. In fact at one point, this just fucking angered me, he kicked me in the head last night without realizing it in his sleep and put his foot in my mouth. I am not kidding you, I woke up to his foot in my mouth because he decided to throw his leg over the bed, right into my mouth…Arggg…SO yeah i am fucking awake.

Now here is where it is really like a bipolar fuck up. I said i wanted to live. So can i tell you that the simple bar trip was also a chance to live!

We went to the bar. He wouldn’t allow me to play numbers, although if he did, I would have walked away from the bar with over $300 in my pocket because the 5 games that were on in which my mother played, and i would have played those same numbers i always do…my main numbers came out for 3 of those games and there even was a 4x on it, but i can’t tell him that.

Mom didn’t win but she played quick draw using the money that we owed her. Yeah she does that

Then Master and I played darts. Although he kept yelling at me from everything from how to pull the dart out, to how to aim and how to hold my elbow up, to even how to score, I have to say it was fun playing them. I was learning a new game, and learning how to throw something that i never done on a dart board before.

He gave me $5, i ran to the juke box. Played some of my fav songs. ANd singing and partying away. He was watching the ball game, and i guess i can say we were living. Plus i was eating wings..Yummy. All you can eat wings. Even yummier!

Well the wings are coming back to haunt me. The fact is…i had fun, and that was a chapter of living last night. So why the fuck am i so angry and awake this morning…as well as fucking sneezing my head off. UGHHHHH..

I am making a promise to myself, that every day I am going to do something to live. Yes i know, that may sound hypocritical since i am living every day, but i mean doing something that will enrich my life in some way. Something that will give meaning to the day.

Today was such a day. I met up with a girl friend of mine. ONe i haven’t seen in years, and it was just to talk to get to know. Some of the same issues I am going through now are her very issues to. The fact that she feels like she is an outsider from the local community, the fact that people know of who she was instead of who she is. Many stories that she told me. I felt as though it was my story.

We sat down at 9:30 and stayed till 1:30 yes 4 hours in the diner. I couldn’t believe it. We talked the whole time, and it felt like the time went by way to fast. I felt completely recharged, and i felt an enthusiam that perhaps i can once again have friends.

She inquired about Gor, and why i follow it, and it also stemmed upon a very strong conversation about transgenderism. Its a tough topic of late, especially with the Bruce Jenner interview. I have many friends and acquaintences who are transgendered. Some of them are not going to agree with what I have to say, but i might as well state my opinion.

If you are transgender and functional then I accept you, Agree with you, and I will support you in any way. The key is being functional. I say this because I have seen so many of people i know that are not functional.

I think of one of my transgendered friends who lived his life stealing every single hormone drug he can find. He would pop birth control pills that he stole from women, would inject himself with an overabundance of female animal hormones, and I will flat out say he was as fucked up as you can get. Not the poster child for the transgender community. He needed therapy, and possible instatutionalization not an acceptance of his gender.

Then I have another transgender friend, brilliant mind, a lawyer, very social, very humble, accepting, soft spoken, but can pull his aggressiveness when battling tough cases. He really is one of those individuals where it is night and day yet, all he ever wanted was to be accepted as a woman. When i see her, the strives that she makes, her fashionista blogging, and the empowering that she does for other women It is inspirational (and yes, there is a very important point why there was usage of male/female in this, because i feel this is an individual who really is two people depending on the situation)

It has been a very hot topic lately, and there are so many questions that comes to mind. I have one question in general that i need to ask. Possibly asking it may be the very foundation of my ignorance, but its the biproduct of most of the fucked up transgendered people i have met. (I only gave two examples but my encounters is way more..those are just two on the opposite polar ends of the nutball scale-One being totally crazy, the other being a productive member of the community and completely sane and rational).

Anyway-The common trend that I find with transgender is the “cross dressing” aspect. Hear me out for a moment. Instead of accepting the fact that they could be a gender in the wrong body so to speak, I ask why exagerate the dessing aspect of it. I am probably not explaining this right at all. Let me give a few examples.

This one FtM it all rides in the “hair” aspect. Hair must always be shaved, buzzed and short as possible. Her masculinity is based on how short the hair is. Where as whether her hair is short or long she will never feel like a “he” unless the hair is short and buzz. Even though whether the hair is growing or not, she will still be the same person.

Another MtF friend i have, has to be the press on nail aspect. By day construction working, manual labor, has a long history of tough guy especially getting into brawls with an assault record. Yet it is the moment that he gets to put on the aspect of press on nails. Painting his toes, pressing on fake nails, that he can accept the female aspect of the woman he is.

Everyone tells me that cross dressing is not transgenderism. Now all the cross dressers i know will agree, especially since cross dressers still feel the same “sex” that they are, it is just the outward appearance that they want different. But with my friends who claim transgenderism, rather then accepting who they are ALL the time, that they are a variety of feelings emotions “roles” i dare say instead of accepting that as a whole, they have to compartimentalize all aspects of their life and the gender identity only comes out when triggered by certain areas of their life. <—THAT is the issue I have with transgender. And for those who identify as such, Please I want to say prove me wrong. I actually encouraged to be proved wrong on this one.

Unless it boils down to the same issues that i have been repeating to myself constantly.

I AM NOT ASHAMED OF WHAT I AM, I AM ASHAMED OF WHAT I AM BEING COMPARED TO

I will assume there are those that are transgendered that are insulted and ashamed that they are being boxed into a category where there are fucked up individuals trying to proclaim the same ideals and beliefs that they are, but going about it totally the wrong way. (Like in the example of taking animal hormones injecting directly into your veins)

Now, here is something else to consider. I threw this question out to the online community and let me tell you I got HATE mail for this. Lets talk about Bruce Jenner for a moment. I am not going to give my opinion about that whole interview or situation but i am going to give a follow up question. One that wasn’t ask, or one that people are afraid to ask.

Lets accept Bruce as he is. A female, one who has been living a lie his entire life as he says. So in that respect, I believe his Male Olympic Gold Medal win and record breaker should be REVOKED. Yep i said it. YEs that is cruel, yes that is awful to say, elieve me i already got the hate mail for that, but it is the one thing that people are not accepting. It is the accountability and consequences for the choices that they are making.

He entered a competition which is gender specific. A male Decathalon in which rigourous physical requirements are met. Yes he did the unbelievable, Broke the record and deserved every moment of the glory that he got in defeating russia. However, he is now saying that his life was a lie. That the only reason he trained so hard in the olympics was to prove to himself that he was a Man, that he was not a woman, and although he won, received all the endorsements and a shit ton of cash and spotlight, he to this day will say he is a woman. If that is the case then, he entered a contest under fradulent terms as a result his Medals should be revoked. Reason being he is a female entering a male competition.

Now tell me does that anger you? IT angered a lot of people. Being the “little” mind that i have, or whatever else I was stating. Its almost as if transgendered individuals are looking for total acceptance without the accountability of the actions involved in that change.

Lets take Male Female Restrooms- Yes I know its a hot topic right now. There is a reason they are separate. I think it is better and easier when most companies have a unisex bathroom, or in the case of the white house now hase a transgendered room. If it is a one stall bathroom should it matter what the fuck any gender goes in. Its one person at a time anyway. Plus it pisses me off that the womens line is always longer then the mens line.

Yes I know this is a big rant, and it is probably one that can go on for a long time. It is a passionate topic for me right now, especially when rather then accepting that people might have differences of opinions, i am deemed the oddball one out. My stance is neither for nor against right now. The truth in the matter is I don’t know where I stand. On certain issues I do have a stance. For example and this is a long winded debate. If you are a transgeder kajira you are wrong. There is no such thing. face it you are a kajirus and the fact that you are trying to be something that the gorean philosophy says you cant be is an insult to the very philosophy we strive by. That is one issue i am will strongly give my opinion.

Other then that, I am still on the fense. I dont know what the choice is, and i really believe as new experiences happen my opinions will change. If anyone found this offensive it really isnt what i was trying to do. But it is my way to try to rationalize write this out, and come to an understanding if any at this point in my life.

So I must admit, today started out with me in tears. Sobbing really hard. I was just so upset about everything. I was upset that my family would exclude me. I was upset that i had to go digging into the storage unit looking for things that i can’t find.

Actually that upset me the most. The fact that everything i own right now is in storage If i need something i got to go searching for it. My clothes are in there, everything. It really as if my life is just boxed up and i don’t have access to it. It made me so upset that Master has a pair of sneakers, that he can’t even find. I say Master lets just get you another pair. Lets just get some socks for you as well. And all he can tell me is about the money situation. Yes i know, fuck the money situation. We are always going to be broke, so when i have a few extra dollars lets get the shit we need. He needs sneakers, he needs clean socks. I need a fucking body pillow for my back. Simple shit, i get a bonus this pay check anyway. Yes my store is actually doing much better that we are starting to hit bonus.

My life is boxed away. I was crying. Master asked me “whats wrong beautiful” It just made me cry even more. He shut off the radio and listened to my little rant. It was there, all was brushed off and we went rope bombing.

Yes, what a way to break the mood, simply get naked, and rope bomb in a secluded place on the train tracks. This may sound silly, but i have never actually been on train tracks before. NEver played on them, never went near them. In fact I even had to ask him about the third rail or if i can even touch the rails. It was almost my idea that the track will electrocute you. How wrong was i. But also how liberating it was. The sense of freedom, the beauty, In fact, I will even be bold to post a picture of myself. Sure it is the backside, but i love this shot, because it is the simplistic beauty of being free.

For today i felt beautiful. For today I felt free, and for today I was able to let go. The tears I had this morning mean nothing compared to the smiles i had of the day. The weather was perfect, the pictures are beautiful, and the memories are even better.

Plus to top it all off, i even have a souvenier. Two rail road spikes that were just tossed on the side. I kept them brought them home, and it is a little keep sake of a day of fun.

Master was happy. I was happy, we were both happy. And this is the moment where i say we are living!

To be woken up by the cries of a kitten stuck on the roof. With nightmares of american idol auditions, and the utter dispair of opening up a wallet with 2 days off and not have a penny to my name, then of course the families disregard for me, and the intensity of the pain in my ear-yeah its going to be one of those days.

My ear is killing me. Aching to the point where i can feel the swelling in my neck that just causes black stars to appear every time i touch it. Go to the Dr mom says-yeah without any money that is not going to happen. I am sick of being sick. I simply coughed and out came this huge ass mucus. Ughhhh….this sucks.

So i came into my room, turned on the Big Lebowski, and just going to lay here until family leaves and i can possibly go on a rope bomb with Master. I never did ever see the Big Lebowski. I tried renting it at the library but Master had no interest in seeing it at all. All i hear is good things about this movie, and so far just watching the first few mins…looks like this is going to be a movie right up my alley (bowling alley-Hehe) I need something that will make me laugh today, so maybe this will do it.

The family once again is excluding us. Actually I probably shouldn’t even write this because Master will read this, get upset, and all that crap and it becomes an us and them story again. But yeah it gets me upset.

So i am thinking of rope bombing today. Its a nice day, grab some rope, grab my camera and take some pictures. Just drive into the freedom and take pictures. I love taking pictures as it is a snap shot of time in my life that make me happy.

I say to myself that someday i am going to get a real camera. One that actually has a lens, but then i look at all the other things in life i need …actually scratch that. I confuse needs and wants. Other things i “want”…that is the key. I asked Master for something so silly and stupid. Although he answer was yes, it was his simple reaction that upset me. I kneeled up on the bed and asked if i can buy a body pillow. This is fucking wanting me to cry. I am at the point right now where even lying down produces nothing but pain, i can’t move any more. Be it sleeping on the floor, or sleeping on the futon, i can’t seem to get comfortable. If i try to get comfortable my back is nothing but aches and pains. Last night i was moaning in agony. I popped pills not only for my back, but for my bulging neck and ear pain.

so i woke up with a kitten crying on the roof. Stuck up there. I tried to shoo it down, family tried to get it down, yet i was the heartless one who took the sink hoes and spray it down. that cat went flying off the roof and took a big dive. I hope it is ok. They nicknamed that particular cat monkey. What a fucked up name for a cat. But monkey went flying through the air. Now the kitten is off the roof, so simple, so cruel.

Communication is the key-An online rant

Communication is the key-An online rant

There is a trend that is happening, one of a complete lack of communication.

 Here is a video which means so much to the lack of communication that is going on right now.

Now having said that, I am seeing a new trend. The trend of the “woe is me” question that people will toss out to others. No they are not looking for debate, dialog or opinions or answers. They are simply looking for sympathy, pity, ­and a celebration of ones desparation.

Why should people work on the very thing they need to work with at home when they have an infinite amount of people who will simply say you are right…when in realtiy you are wrong.

Think about it. Have you spoken to your partner? Have you engaged with your partner in dialog? Have you talked about the issues at hand? Or are you simply dismissive?

I look back at my past relationships. I have come to the realization that it was not the issues at hand that were the problems, it was the lack of communication revolving those issues. I was the person who didn’t talk about it. I was the person who bottled everything up in hopes that things would change, or that my emotions were going to be translated and heard. I expected my partners to be mind readers and know what was going on in my head. I realized that my relationships was determined by my emotions, not by my rationalizations.

Yes emotions. Those things we feel. But why do we feel it. Do we share with our partners the root of why we feel those things? No, instead we pick up the phone, pick up the computer, pick up a piece of technological machinery that all of a sudden with a click of a button you will have people saying “He is a douche, Your partner is wrong, I am so sorry”….an elevation of personal emotions will ensue. You begin to agree with them. Words you will ­­­­­­never say to your love one, but only think it. Feelings you will never tell your partner, only express them without telling the reason behind those emotions,

Why should i confront my partner, when i have a vast collection of strangers telling me i am right? Even if my partner never sees what i am asking. In fact I know he will never see it, as i have devised a totally different screen name. Using a sock account to ask questions, and even having my “real” normal identity answering some of those questions so that there is no correlation between who i am, and the sock account i just created. I don’t need to confront my partner, instead what i need is to play this online game. Play it to gain sympathy and support. Play it so i gain friends as well.

Look at my friends page, look at how many friends i have. A complete collection of random names from people around the world, some of which I will never ever meet, never ever talk to, never even interact with, but at some point i clicked on a name and accepted a friendship. But for that momentary time, I have gain the support and sympathy, from strangers who can tell me “I am right” that they agree with me.

­­­­­­­Are you of the generation of Look up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7dLU6fk9QY

or from the generation of Look down

I was dismissed in ideas simply for being “Gorean” and I ask is it wrong to hold certain values as a slave at hand? Being Gorean to strive for my personal goal of perfection (the idea that i need to always improve myself in some way, learning, growing, maturing living) Being Gorean to strive to make others happy. Be it man, woman, or others. Through Respect, honor, being curteous, being pleasant and upbeat. Striving to bring together a positivity or even seeing the rationalization through others negativity. Being Gorean is to take a personal appreciation for the world we live in. Respecting the planet, enjoying nature, going out and living. Being Gorean is to hold my relationship to my Master in high regards. I made a choice to be his, and i will do so in the ways he wants me to be for his pleasure, which makes me happy as well. Being Gorean is to find myself and learn who i am, what i am, and how i fit into the grand scheme of things. Being Gorean to hold values and ideas close to heart. I ask are all these things wrong for a slave to believe in…because these are the Gorean Values I hold dear to me. But no, these values are simply dismissed because of those who don’t understand, nor do they even want to bother to.

Right now, I am in one of the best relationships I ever had in my life. Although currently my environmental issues at hand and personal life issues may be the worst, I could honestly say I have never been this happy with someone. You can pick apart and tear apart the words i choose. But I do the rare things that people choose not to do with their love ones. I will actually talk to my partner. Talk to him about the ups and downs, the good the bad, whether it is an emotional rage induced “you are being an asshole” to the cheerful happiness which brings total tears of love and joy…..I know that life will bring the ups and downs, but to be able to share those moments with the one who owns me. Instead of turning to the computer and sharing these with the false pretense of names who may or may not support me. Turning to a gathering of people who will either support, or make a mockery. I choose to turn to him. I tell him everything. Yet I can balance out that, and share here too, but what of those who only share here? Those who don’t have that communication.

Thus it brings in the never ending sock puppet accounts that sprout up…….

Yes this is a rant, and no i am not looking for any support or feedback. If anything I will probably be given a backlash of negativity. I ask those who are negative to a writing such as this-Does it make you feel better saying that i am wrong? Or is it the lack of people you have in your life to talk about this?

Look up from the phone-shut down the screen-and actually live your life and talk to the partner who is right in front of you. Instead of the people who are but worlds away.

Today was one of those odd days. I had so many plans of doing things, but the energy factor was not there.

First off Master made me cum big time. So hard that i literally passed out. I passed out hard, i came hard, it was wonderful, and badly needed. But it wore me out completely. I just fell asleep. It was wonderful though. Tied, teased, played with, and succumbed to his pleasure.

Then waking up, i have to admit i feel like shit. My throat is on fire, my body and back is totally aching. So it turned into a day of relaxation. Master is not feeling too well either. His ears are aching him and he is not feeling up to anything.

I spent a lot of time watching tv and reading the boards online. I am actually disgusted by the boards. It seems when a question is posed the op just wants sympathy and compassion and any one who has a differencing of opinions is automatically the villan. I was actually blocked, along with my Master who has nothing to do with the situation, simply because i had a difference of opinion. IT makes me wonder why i have such a different point of view.

Why am i sick and tired of the whiny bitchy people..yet many times i am the one who is bitching. I see people who instead of talking, communicating being with their partners, they are so quick to disconnect and leave.

Last night i made an error. and you know something. I discussed it with Master. I held myself accountable for the thing i did wrong. I talked it over with Master, and i understand what i did. Am i going to bitch and moan. No….perhaps at the time i did, but it was a beautiful moment last night. We went in the car at midnight and started driving. I wanted to see the meteor shower which unfortunately i got the dates wrong. the best time would have been the night before. But we drove to a nice little secluded place by a pond, opened up the skylight in the car, and just enjoyed talking among the stars with the radio playing.

Couples need to do this more often. They just need to talk. Communication is the key. If people would just tlak to each other, instead of talking to everyone else in the world. It would be a better place.

On a daily basis, i am taking 2 huffs of an inhaler, and spot inhales with albuterol. I am also taking a morning and evening allergy medicine. Its strange because the medicine makes me feel very floaty and high. The cough keeps persisting though. I go into these coughing fits that is really making my chest feel on fire.

But i am overall better. I am back at work. Not taking any more days off, and trying to catch up on rest and relaxation. I have been literally passing out at night.

So far everything has been going well. I have 8 days to write a quick story-A ghost story. I think i am going to spend friday on my day off doing it and submit it for a contest. I failed miserably on the novel, but i can easily do a short story.

I have been watching american idol, and the voice and Master and i have been catching up on stargate. I don’t think i ever watched this much tv in my life. I guess it is the boredom factor. But i am trying to get to do things. Going out more often.

I know i am blabbering right now. Nothing much really happening.

Car is doing well. Apartment hunt is a no go. Right now, things are just financially bad, so concentraining on getting my life in order. I am wondering what Master would think about taking my next paycheck and investing in a bed. I am sick and fucking tired of sleeping on the floor and it is doing a number on my back.

I can’t describe this at all. I know i said how fucked up i am, this is beyond fucked up. First off, my tongue is disintergrating. A thick layer of thrush which is aggrevated by the swishing and swallowing medicine that makes me want to vomit. It feels like my throat is closing in with every brush of the peeled skin against the back of my throat.

THen there is the constant jitteriness. My hands are shaking, my heart is racing, yet i am doing nothing. I am but sitting here, typing watching movies, taking another day off. I hate this.

What i hate most is i have all this time, yet it is not enough time. I have an opportunity to write. TO write that book i wantd to do, to write in this journal and my other writings which i want to do. I feel this yearning to write, to speak what is on my mind, yet i am finding the inability to do so.

Its the desire to be heard, yet the endless screaming in the crowded world. Its as if i am walking, life passing me with every step, yet no one stopping to look at all. Am i that invisible? Have i cloaked myself in a sheild to the point that no one can even penetrate my own self absorbness, not even myself. I am invisible to the world. I can’t even see myself.

Do i long to be the center of attention again. Do i want to be that. I feel like i never was, but yet i was. An in this life i did it but a small portion of my life. I allowed myself to be consumed by a sexual scene in which i have not even begun to live the fruits of life.

I was asked, what is the one thing i want out of life. My answer was to live. Every day, every moment i have an opportunity to live, yet every moment i waste it. I am not doing anything for myself or for others, and it is just exasperated by my condition right now. THe feeling of complete uselessness. My mind whirling with the inesecurities, of not being able to do what i need to do, or what i want to do. And all come round to the hacking deep cough within my lungs.

Is each cough nothing more then my life force draining from me. An escape in a tight sheilded world where i bottled up everything. Is this illness nothing more then vulnerabilities that i have kept so close inside, just coming to the surface and allowing me the chance to let it go.

Master says just let go. Don’t harbor onto anything. Let it all go. My problems are based on my inability to let go.

I am so fucking loopy right now. So fucking tired. My head is just spinning.

I can not believe how fucked up i am. If you can only imagine every single psychodelic drug i have ever taken is now coming back to me in a flash all at once, this is how i currently feel. It is such a strange feeling as my heart races, yet time is so slow.

I gaze out with the blankest of stares, and i see the room melting and moving its like there is a vibration of everything traveling down the walls, as if all the waves of movement can be followed with my eyes.

It such an odd feeling, with every step i feel as though i am floating, each movement is an exagerated bounce where there is that water like connectivity to my body to make the next movement. THe only thing that is working at any functional speed is my fingers write now which seem to be writing exactly what i need them to write. I don’t even need to keep my eyes open for this as my fingers can find the keys perfectly and i can close my eyes in a slumber.

I took today off. I do have to go get some blood test and probaly should make another apointment with the dr. I am going to need a note, and the fact is i do not thing i am up to any standard in working today. The cough is still very chronic and the fact that i am this fucked up is getting to me. Wow i don’t even know if this is a good thing or bad thing. I am totally getting that drug induced high that i haven’t had in ages, but i can’t function or work like this. Not with this cough, not with these symptoms, not with the shaking jitteriness.

Last night crazy me was the first time i played with Master. I finally felt well enough to have him fuck me deeply. i couldn’t cum but so glad that he did. I missed being used by him, and being his sexual slave. I am still very limited as to what i could do but i needed it so badly. Wanted it so badly. It has been about 3 weeks now since we have done anything intimate, and the lack of it has been driving me crazy. Even with that time frame where my vaginal muscles kept constricting. I just couldn’t cum though. It felt good but wasn’t going to go anywhere. Master got annoyed because i said i can’t. It wasn’t that it was a waste of time, it was more so that my body is not functioning pleasure properly at this time. I think it is because i am in too much of an ecstatic state now to go overboard.

Tomorrow i am supposed to be going to the writing class. I might miss it if i still feel like this, I definitely skipped out of work today. I know my boss is going to kill me, but i can’t function at all today. I really an’t functoion. I am in no shape of doing so.

I am just so tired. body is tired, i am racing yet tired at the same time. I just want to quit being htis sick. I am sick of being sick

Another nebulizer treatment today. I sat in the car for about an hour having dinner and shaking. Maybe it was a bad idea to drive, but the shaking wouldn’t stop. I came home, crawled into bed, snuggled up against bijou and watching the voice top 12.
Dr says go back to work tomorrow it will be good for me. A distraction she says. Yet its my constant coughing and breathing issues which is getting to me. I have to go for a blood test to figure out where the allergy and hives come from.

She gave me a shit load of medicine, something for the thrush, something long term, as well as antihistamines for both morning and night time prescrption strength for the hives. follow up in 2 weeks

I am exhausted I find myself ready to go to sleep any moment. I already made a batch of fudge recipe. A little treat to suprise Master and the family. I got a kick ass easy recipe for making home made fudge, and because this is such a new thing for me, i wanted to suprise the family. It will be ready tomorrow since it takes about 24 hours for it to harden and solidify.

What a fucked up time. I am still very shaky. but at least i am not breaking out so bad. I had a mild break out in the dr office, but it wasn’t too bad. Finish the predisone, and hopefully i can get back into shape.

I don’t want to go back, but i am going to have to go back. Another day, at least i have off on friday. i am just so weak. So very weak.

I read an inspirational story today by another slave. One in which she had medical problems, and was in a car accident, and her Master never gave up on her, and took the words “I Can’t” away from her. After a year long battle, she was able to get back to her feet and run a 5k marathon. While her speed was slow, she cried that she finished the race and recevied a medal. For the first time she heard the choked up voice of her Master who was so proud of her. and it made me just ball.

I want to be that slave that can do it for Master, and i want to be the one to succeed. I got to get out of this funk and get back to my health. I am just sick of being sick. I am just so tired., drained and weak.

The agony is too much right now. I wake up, covered in sweat, look down at my body and covered in hundreds of red welty rash, that itches, burns and just makes me shaky and uneasy. All i want to do is scratch. My body completely gyrates and shifts with the pain, and my breathing of course is panicing. I don’t know what the fuck is causing this. Coughing fits inact and i find myself popping more benadryl, and lathering myself up with a lidocaine lotion that was supposed to be for my fissure which is now completely gone, but the cream aids in the pain. It seems to just numb the welts.
Then of course in about 20 mins of sheer agony. Gone. They lighten up, they disappear, they go away, and i am left with some twinges of itching here and there. BUt they just disappear.

How can a body go from hundreds of break out oozing blistery marks to nothing in a time frame of about 5 mins-and hour. Is that what i have to do is live on benadryl. They say take 2 every 4-6 hours. I have been taking 1 every 2-3 hours, just because it makes me so fucking loopy and tired. I get completely drained and weak from the benedryl and i find myself not thinking or talking right. I randomly space out for a moment forgetting what it was i was doing. my hands shiver and i have trouble holding things.

How long is this going to fucking last. The cough is still there, not as bad, but when i do cough, it aggrevates the hell out of the rash. The more i cough the more i rash up. And this cycle has been going on for days now. I just can’t get rid of it. I am supposed to be going to the doctor tomorrow to take alook at this and return me to work, but truthfully how the hell am i going to work in these conditions. I am sleeping at a rate of about 15 hours a day, and while the time i am awake i am scratching, itching and flaring up on everything. What the hell is causing this.

I just had a bout just now, still itchy, but at least most of the swelling went down. And i am so fucing tired, my body just wants to crawl into bed, but my mind is totally up and wired. Its that odd insomniac moment.

I have to drive Master to work tomorrow, then it is a decision to either come back home, or hang out in the vacinity for a few hours because the doctor is right where i need to drop him off. i think for the sake of rest, I will just come back home. It will put a toll on the gas mileage, but it looks like all the moeny he is earning is going to have to go to dr bills anyway. I have been going to doctors almost every other day for the past few weeks, and no one can give me a fucking answer as to what is going on.

I am plagued with a virus that just wont go away. simple as that. and it keeps shifting to new symptoms, either that, or every single virus i have ever had in my life is coming to fruition. I don’t know, but this is now 3 weeks that i am sick. I am fucking sick of being sick. The last place i want to be is back in the hospital again. Yet i feel like a useless individual. I don’t want Master touching me at all. HIs touch provides nothing but itching fits. I can’t have sex with him at all, and i am just totally frsutrated. My serving skills are limited, very limited as i can’t get up and move around too much. I move around the swelling gets worst. I cooked dinner this evening for the whole family. By the end of the preperation i was a dizzy mess. I passed out right after we ate and came to bed, only to wake up in about an hour, and now i am up. I just can’t go to sleep and this is so frsutrating.

Talk about being fucked up. I went to the hospital not once, but twice today.

The first time was due to a bad rash that was spreading across my body. They did very little the first time. Simply called it a rash Urticarius, just simply hives. I was of course googling all night at different symptoms different causes.

They released me, gave me 3 pills of predisone and a prescription to follow up. I got home, literally passed out. Totally missed Masters call to pick him up, but it was good that i set the time. I woke up covered in sweat. Ran to the bathroom, and my lips were swollen, there was a rash all around my eyes, there was a rash up and down my legs, it was painful and it was itchy.

I was in no shape to drive, i quickly called Master and turns out he was waiting for me, it was going to take me 30 mins to get there or so. I took to the road, and just went careful. I was in no shape to drive. As soon as i got there turns out he just finished up with his friend. The friend came over to hug me, and i think i rudely said..NO…i said to Master, take me to the hospital Now…your driving…I hope he understood.
Master took one look at me. I had welts all over my face, my lips he teased looked like bubba from forest gump, they totally swelled up, and i was gyrating my entire body non stop because i couldn’t take the itchy. Every single part of me itched. from head to toe, and up and down my legs were nothing but leisons and i couldn’t breath

OMG so we go to the hospital, where i race in seeing the same people i just saw a few hours earlier. I was shaking, shifting, gittery and for the first time i was wheezing. Where my lungs have been clear here i was wheezing a breath.

Out came the shots, OUt came the nubulizer, and out came more drugs. They jacked me up with enough steroids, and the albuterol oxygen treatment, i was completely weak. I felt so weak and shaky. Master took me home, I literally went right to sleep. I told him to wake me up when dinner as ready.

He wakes me up, and i had to crack up laughing at the table. I couldn’t even hold the fork to eat. I was a shaky mess like i had parkensons. My hand shook so much with every bite. I must admit it was delicious, he made ziti with alfredo sauce, and grilled chicken. Yummy, but i had to eat slowly as each bite was hit was a shakienss.

Amazingly the rash subsided. There are still splotches here and there, and you can see a faint trail still by my eyes, but it was not as bad as what happened. I was so fucking scared and i just kept saying how sorry i was to Master. Relatively speaking hte hospital stay was a short one. I was basically in and out. Master took a nap, and i was actually treated. The fact I had to go twice in one day is a problem and i am probably going to get billed up the wazoo, but at least they gave me a treatment. and it was something that subsided the agony.

I will probably sleep well tonight as even now i am falling asleep.

i am sick and tired of being sick. I have been sick ongoing for weeks now, and i am just not getting any better. Having finished off my antibiotics and antiviral, i find myself vomiting, hives all over my body, and coughing non stop in this bronchial octives of congestion. Achy, tired, and complete disorientation. Not able to sleep, not able to rest, mind is just going on a mile a min, while the body just doesn’t want to move. Getting up just to go to the bathroom is killing me.

I say to Master am i dying, yeah i know its a exageration, but between the fissure i had, and the stream of infections that followed, I am just sick of being sick. I already took a week off from work, I don’t think i can take any more days without my job being in jeopardy. All i know is, i went to work yesterday, and i was in no shape to do so. By the time i got home, i was nailed with it badly. Very badly.

I am concerned about the rash that i have on my arms. I tried to wake up Master, but he is in a sleeping slumber, he is not getting up at all. Then again, I have been drifting in an out of sleep all night. It has not been a good night at all.

I just want the pain to go away. I just want to sleep this away. Precious sleep and rest.

I must admit I am terrorfied right now. I asked Master to give me permission to make a decision without him. My total fear is that i made the wrong decision or one that he wont be happy with.

With the help of my mother, and the help with her putting her name on everything, she saved us. She is taking full ownership of a new car for me. I of course have to make payments, but the car is a beautiful luxery car at a great price. At least i believe it is. I am terrorfied if Master is not going to like it and we are going to get into an argument about this.

No this isn’t an april fools joke. I actually have a new car sitting in the driveway. A 2012 chevy impala. I had an impala, loved the car. The choices were a ford focus which Master said NO! and there was a kia and some boxy car that were within our budget. This car is a beauty. I started crying.

I just don’t want Master to get mad at me…I hope he likes it.